MY CONVERSATION WITH THE UNIVERSE

It’s really hard to lay in bed at night next to my wife of 26 years, who by the way is way more beautiful, smart, kind and understanding than I deserve and that said bed is in my penthouse condo in Seattle and say to myself, “Where did I go wrong?”

But I do it.

Maybe it’s age, but I’ve been doing it a lot lately.

The good news for you is that I’ve actually been given some answers that I plan to share right now. It’s my hope that you will at least consider what I’ve been given and apply it to your own life as you choose.

I had to make a deal with the universe to get this information. Yes. I talk to the universe. In fact, I’ve had an ongoing dialogue going ever since I was 15 years old. Although recently I’ve tapered back on my talks, I still consider the universe my closest friend and confidante.

This conversation was a little more intense than past talks. A set of rules came with it. I had to promise that I wouldn’t beat myself up in the processs. I had to promise that I wouldn’t blame others in any of my explanations. And since this is very sacred ground I’m walking on here, I had to promise I wouldn't get all fired up and make any knee-jerk decisions.

I know where all this is coming from.

I’m a goal setter. I visualize. I role model. I study. I commit to everything I do. That’s why it hurts so much when my vision doesn't sync up with my reality. I’m a pretty emotional guy. I think when you’ve spent your whole life trusting your gut, being emotional comes with the territory. So remaining calm and collected isn’t necessarily a mantra of mine. When I ask the universe a loaded question like, “where did I fuck up?” I have to be prepared for some honest answers.

There I was, laying in bed asking that exact question. Usually when asking for answers, I ask and then open my eyes, ears and heart while I wait for some sort of message. It usually doesn’t come right away. Sometimes it takes months. So I was shocked when the answers smacked me in the face right away.

“You don’t treat your body and mind like you should.”

That message came so fast that I had to sit up in bed, take out my iPad and start to take notes. I had the feeling I was in for a long night.

“Ya, tell be something new.” I said back.

“It’s your business man. This should be your first priority. Get a better sleep schedule that will allow you to live your life with energy and passion. Eat better. You know how to do this. You’ve done it before. Do it NOW and do it everyday for the rest of your life. Without this you can’t do anything. You may as well stop all your dreaming if you’re unwilling to do what it takes to look and feel as good as you can.”

I know this. But I guess I needed to hear it again, so I said, “ok, ok, Got it.”

“And where have you been lately?”

I felt like I was about to get scolded by my mother. “We used to talk more.” Yep. The universe is looking a little needy here. “Our talks opened you up to meet other like-minded people. They helped keep you focused and energized about the things that matter to you the most. You better get me back into your life or you’re doomed.”

POW! That was in my face. So much so that I actually apologized out loud. “I’m so sorry. It will never happen again. I have to say that I’ve missed you. But in all honesty, I left you because I was feeling like you were letting me down. At my age I don’t have time to be as patient as before. I was thinking that you didn’t fully understand the urgency.”

“Just shut your mouth Terry and do the work. Breathe. I promise you that I’ll do what I can to expedite things if you talk to me more.”

‘We cool?”

“Yes, we’re cool” I said sheepishly.

While I sat there for a few seconds soaking everything in a new message shot out.

“You’re kind of a pussy.”

The universe and I have that kind of a relationship.We openly talk like that to one another. Anything to jolt the pupal.

“Give me an example.” I said.

“You have a fear of success now where you’ve never had before. 26 years? In the same job? Really? How is that growth?”

Thinking that I had an excuse I said, “Well, I wouldn’t call it a fear of success. I have a fear that my next project wouldn’t be as successful as my current one.”

“I guess we’ll never find out. However, it’s my opinion that you blew it. You got scared. You even let your wife’s fears come into play.”

Bringing the wife into it now huh?

“What the hell am I supposed to do? My decisions don’t just affect me anymore.” Take that. I thought.

“Well you became complacent and I hate that.”

“Are you calling me lazy?” I shot back.

“Nope. I said come-play-cent. It’s looks a lot like lazy though. You slowed down on your dreaming and to be honest, you let yourself go. You got out of shape. It looks like you just don’t care.”

“What are you talking about?” I said. “I’ve been having a lot of fun in my career.”

“No you haven’t. You just say that to make yourself feel better.”

Still defensive, I said, “I have people who count on me for their livelihood. It’s not that easy.”

“They have their own path. They make their own decisions. If you live your life some somebody else you haven’t lived your life at all. And I’m glad to see you’re sitting down for this, but they couldn’t care less about you. In fact, some of them have even done things to impede your success. They like you right where you are.”

That hurt.

“But I love my job. I think you’re kind of wrong here.” I said.

“I need to jolt you. The truth always works best with you Terry.”

I took a deep breath and said, “Throw me a bone here. I’m not going to quit my job. What do you suggest I should do?”

“Love your job like always. But be open for some new, amazing things. And just so you know, those new amazing things can happen in your current job. Maybe a big new affiliate. Maybe some owner of a big radio company will see the love and passion your have for your craft and how much better you’ve become over the years and give you guys what you’re due.”

I said, “That sounds great to me. I’ve been hoping that for quite a few years.”

“Quit HOPING. You know better than to use that word with me.”

“I forgot. Sorry.”

There was a slight lull in the conversation.

“You also trusted too many people.”

I guess we’re not done here I thought to myself.

“Trusting and relying on others to do the right thing or to act in your best interest will always leave you disappointed and unfulfilled. I’ve said it before. Nobody cares about you the way you care about yourself.”

“That makes sense.” I said. “I can’t argue with that. Thanks.”

“And stop being so loyal.”

“Oh Geez” I said.

“Serious man. Only be loyal to those who love you and to those who support your dreams. That goes for your wife, family, friends and co-workers. Some people are just assholes and take every drop of goodness and trust you’ve given them and will use it against you. They look at it as a weakness. Be wary of them. If you didn't have a radio show or anything to offer them they would disown you. Don’t be afraid to cut ties. But do it with grace.”

The talk was starting to bum me out so I said, “All this stuff about noboday caring about me is making me feel pretty lonely. I’m not sure I’m willing to live the rest of my life acting like an uncaring hard ass.”

“Like I said. When you’re physically and mentally healthy, when your first choice is love for others and love for who you are and what you do, when you make pure decisions, and when all of it comes from the heart, you will have a new bunch for friends and a ton of great opportunities that support who you really are.”

I had to ask, “Is everybody in my life the enemy? … like what the fuck?”

“Far from it Terry. You have some amazing people in your life at the moment. They are there forever. They see the love you have for them and hopefully you can see the love they have for you. You already know who they are. You don’t need to go looking. Just don’t waste your time on the others. Remember what your wife told you the last time you we’re bummed out? She said, “If everybody loves you, you’re doing something wrong.”

I took a deep breath. More of a sigh really and said, “Thanks.”

“You make me laugh sometimes.’

I guess our little come to Jesus isn’t over.

“You think that doing your best to be a good person is enough. It’s a great start. Don’t get me wrong. But you need me. You need me to keep an eye on you. You need to keep an open dialogue with me. I’ll show you when somebody is full of shit. And I’ll promise you I’ll give you the strength (which you lack) to act accordingly.”

Trying to end on a positive note I said, “Have I done anything right at all? Maybe this is why I stopped talking to you.’

“You started this whole thing asking me what you’ve done wrong. I just calmly, factually answered you. You can ask a better question. I like those more anyway.”

“OK. What have I done right?”

“One of the best things you’ve ever done is that you never let your past determine your future. So many people use their past as an excuse. You could have easily done that, but you never did. In fact, remember how you turned your life around when you went to Australia? Well, do more of that.”

“Maybe one day I’ll have the balls to talk about that.” I said.

“Well, don’t think too long about it. People need to hear it.”

I kinda liked the positive spin I was getting so I kept going, “Have I done any other cool stuff?’

“Oh yes. Tons. You’ve been an amazing student of comedy, show business and even spirituality. Think about it. You’ve made a living at it for most of your adult life. That’s what loving something will do for you.”

“True”

“But Terry, I want you to close your eyes for a second and really listen to me. Nice … now take a deep breath. Listen to me. You’re not done. Use the magic you have for not letting your past to determine your future right here. Quit acting like you’re just trying to hold on to what you have. Show me that passion again and I’ll show you your life is just about to start.”

**By the way. This is a true story. For many years the universe was my only friend. The universe pointed me in the direction of a book to read or someone would magically appear into my life to guide or inspire me.

I more than welcome my oldest friend back into my life. I also made my friend a promise that I’ll share any further messages with you.

Nationally syndicated radio host ... Lex and Terry Show, and the Terry Jaymes Alive Podcast . Able to endure physical and emotional abuse from family & friends.